The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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