I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dignity is for republicans.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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