Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
