my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
vagina is talking i cant
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
