I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize