Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just blew my weed a kiss
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
