gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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