I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
