so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
