i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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