Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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