i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
