if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
