I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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