I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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