I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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