thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
