how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
