just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
love makes seman taste better
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
