he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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