my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Randomize
