i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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