My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
