Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
