you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
