God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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