How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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