Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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