there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
