dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
