it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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