Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
