Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
