i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize