well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
