dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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