I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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