is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
