I love black thongs
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
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