I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
