My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize