i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
