guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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