Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
