I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
there's paper in my vomit.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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