dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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