Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My life is pants optional.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
