Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
