Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
