i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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