My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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