I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
