its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
