There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
