I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
3 2 1 whiskey
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
