fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
